Friday, January 11, 2013

Noon Came and Went, or, Feck Off, Universe

Hello trusty friends,

It is I, your Failure for the Day: Lindsay. Let me preface this post with a picture of the Monster Coffee (and our Rebel for comparison) I have to get me through today:

My protestations of having my new show debut at noon today seem to be for naught. I'm sure some of you may be curious as to why I've gathered you here today. STORY TIEM, KIDDIES. Grab a seat and some crappy popcorn, because this is funny. In a sad WTF kinda way. It's how I roll, bitches.

Yesterday, your pals Lindsay and Misha retrieved our crApple from its' 4th vacation on the exotic island of Fuck You, We're Apple and We'll Take our Sweet-Ass Time Fixing Shit. Our way home was delayed by me forgetting my driver's license at the Apple store and having to turn around with no U-turns and using an Ikea parking lot to flip a bitch, little old ladies driving 10mph, women crossing intersections with their strollers, a million red lights and I'm fairly certain a vengeful, angry Universe telling us to calm the fuck down. \o/

So, we get home. I was patiently waiting on the Class Fucking 10 SD card. It arrived early. And it also happened to arrive the same time construction dudes showed up to install new windows in our penthouse. They were scheduled for Wednesday, but being in cahoots with the Universe, they arrived the day I was supposed to shoot.

Fuck. OK. Whatever. I'll just hang out. And by "hang out", I mean spin my wheels and sit stewing in Impatient Soup. So the installers finish up around 4, leaving me alone to my own devices. Now, I'm not sure how much experience y'all have with shooting video. It can be a real old bitch sometimes when you have a whole crew and shits' not lining up and you're hemorrhaging money. Shooting video by yourself with manual focus on a 50mm lens? I felt like Sisyphus with the largest goddamned bolder you've ever seen with Oprah perched on it.

Being the super awesome bad-ass that I am, however, I persevere. I do some test shots to test focus and white-balance, and prep audio. Everything is set. I shower, get my Face on, look reasonably attractive but nothing to skanky. I'm going for that credible look here, people. I know my bullet points to keep me on track, know what I'm going to say and I even have some funny quips about cats and the new Illumiroom from Microsoft. I'm set. Speed on camera. AND GO.

10 minutes, and I'm done with Take 1. That is, until I realize I forgot to get speed on sound.

/sigh. OK. So all is not lost. I can do another take. I can use the footage I shot to check out how everything looks, and make any adjustments before doing it again for realsies this time. I remove the brand new Class Fucking 10 card from my camera, and thinking "I sooooo got this" I slid the card... INTO THE CD READER. NOT the card reader.

In one fell swoop, I managed to mangle my iMac (and guaranteed the 5th vacation) and lost the brand new SD card. Stand back everybody, we have a bad-ass over here. <.<

And that's the long and short of it. I spent the rest of Thursday crying all over the place like a depressed hippo and watching the West Wing, because Aaron Sorkin is a genius and I wanted to make myself feel awful for not making Aaron Sorkin-caliber content immediately, and by myself.

I'm going to stream some League of Legends while I discuss what I was going to talk about on my show after I take a nice, long walk around the lake across the street. Nothing makes me feel better about myself than seeing homeless people fighting over refuse brought in by the watershed. Also, I may have promised to be a second for one of them, as it often comes to blows and they need someone to hold their garbage when they get into fisticuffs.

And being the hormonal Sharknado clusterfuck that I am right now, I'm going to leave you all with my renewed hopes of having my show air next Friday at noon.

Happy Friday, you awesome people.

Much love,

P.S: Thank you to Stefani, Jon and Misha from talking me down from the proverbial ledge. Tough days are tough.


  1. Replies
    1. Just remember... The Universe has its reasons for throwing obstacles in your way. Sometimes they aren't clear, but they always give us a chance to learn something that makes life a bit more awesome in the end. Even if currently it evokes visions from Office Space of smashing electronics with hammers. The payoff in the end is always worth it. <3

  2. Sorry to have a laugh at your series of misfortunes.. But that was pretty funny. Here's hoping that you run into no more problems and are able to get done what you are trying to accomplish. I missed the stream last time, but i'll be sure and watch it when I'm able. Best of luck with your show!