Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Reasons why I am like the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and the Chupacabra: Now with more mange!

1.       When I swim in a lake and poke my head up, I, too, look like a mysterious maybe branch / maybe long neck of a plesiosaur!!

2.       I’ve been known to drain sheep and goats of their blood. 

3.       I’m a legendary creature that people only see in shadows and hear screeching at the moon on the hottest days of the summer... a trait also native to "The Predator"; we are often mistaken for each other which can get pretty awkward when planning your wedding and you accidentally put the chupacabra next to all of The Predator's goat friends.

4.       Photos of me show the extent of my mange, which I’m working on getting rid of as the S.O. doesn’t find it attractive. Also, it draws in flies. 

5.       Bigfoot likes fruit loops. So do I. 

6.       Tourists come from far and wide to catch a glimpse and perhaps a snapshot of me. And should they succeed, I’d maul them. 

7.       I don’t eat. I FUCKING FEED ON ANIMALS. 

8.       When I get on T.V., its grainy footage with me getting my newspaper in the morning, so I’m walking all fucked up and shit because I just woke up, and when I see people filming me, I get all spooked because I’m still HALF ASLEEP and run away. 

9.       I went to Nessie’s birthday party. Shit’s getting ooooold. 

10.   The name of my house is “Ape Canyon.” Srs.

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