Thursday, July 8, 2010

Celebrities, or, Why I’m Awesome

These days, you see pictures of movie stars and other various celebrities plastered everywhere—like a rash you can't get rid of. It's itchy and has weird bumps and you don't know what the hell is going on but you know you're uncomfortable and you just want it to GO AWAY so you can get some sleep! >.>

But what is more annoying than just the itchy bumps and interrupted sleep caused by mere photos of spoiled people? When the spoiled people try to tell everyone else who isn't famous how they are "just like us!" As if. I read all the time in interviews with celebrities how "we feed our kids ourselves!" Or: "we clean up after ourselves!" Or, my favorite: "we get our own groceries and make our own dinners!" And they spew that with such enthusiasm! I think they're expecting applause after uttering those rehearsed lines. Hello… this isn't the Awards Show of You and you aren't getting a stupid trophy for wiping your own ass.

It's almost as if they're retarded, or 2 years old, and they have to announce to everyone how they can do mundane things and expecting us to all exclaim in unison: Aw! Good job! Who wants a cookie? Oh. Wait. They can't eat cookies. Their contracts specifically state: No carbs or refined sugar until they hit 30. Expiration date, you know. Social networking sites do not help matters at all. Sites like Twitter and Facebook are yet another forum on which those brain-dead monkeys can self-postulate and peacock. Joy of joys. -_-

I wish I got a cookie for doing what I was supposed to do with my own two hands. Hell, I'd collect those cookies and sell them to schools so I can at least make some money DOING WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO EVERY GODDAMN DAY. I love how the stupid-rich movie stars try to glean every scrap of attention from everything. They shouldn't be called "celebrities," they should be called "opportunists." Srsly.

Conversely, I could become completely lazy and dependent on the external reinforcement of others, and refuse to move or feed myself unless I'm guaranteed a standing ovation. Let the games begin. People who do things so mind-numbingly stupid or lazy or socially irresponsible that it hurts: kind of like Octo-Mom, or the woman who is actively trying to weigh 1000 pounds.

But I think what really bothers me most about those people is their complete delusion. They really think everyone just gobbles this shit up like it's the greatest way to spend an afternoon watching other people feign normality. Incredulously, they believe what they have to say is important. I like to think of it as the Bono Complex. Pure narcissism is like pure cocaine. Shit hits hard, roughs you up and leaves you feeling more used than Vietnamese hookers after 1975. Too soon?

One day, I'd like to become the most famous Geek Girl EVAR. And when I do, I can assure you all that I will be the most lazy, self-promoting, selfish creature on the planet. I'll lock myself away and become a hermit, playing World of Warcraft for days on end—and I'll emerge only to work the Renaissance Faire or to do something so blindingly retarded that my royalties income will be secure for another year.

It's the American Way. Manifest Destiny! Onwards to Oregon!

Aw, shit. I just died of dysentery. Press space bar to start over… /fail

1 comment:

  1. ROFLMAO...Oregon Trail!!! Where'd you get that screen capture. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!!!