Monday, July 19, 2010

All I Need to Know I Learned at Renaissance Faire

In light of the upcoming Renaissance faire season (at least for us Northerners), I have taken it upon myself to give back to the faire community. It is a community of givers and people who work tirelessly for themselves; who toil and slave away endless to climb that invisible social ladder that exists in all theatrically-minded microcosms. This community, chock full of inflated creator-types has much to teach the bottom feeders like myself, and I cannot express to them how invaluable I find their hard learned lessons have been. For who knows better about myself and my private dealings more than the mob? Vespasian knew this, which is why he began construction the Coliseum. I hang tenuously on every single word, every single opinion they have to gift me. For in that short span of three months comes the culmination of thousands of peoples' lives from all walks of life who share a single goal: popularity. Like Nero, I am seizing upon the mob's love of theatrics to better myself. However, I am reciprocating. It is to this community I bestow my gratitude and am giving them back what I hold dear in my heart: everything I need to know, I learned at Renaissance faire.

  1. Share everything. Including your personal life, in great hyperbolic detail to everyone and everything. The higher you are on the Great Social Ladder of Renaissance Faire, the more people care.
  2. Play fair. But only when you're being watched closely. Otherwise, sling mud profusely. You'll look like an ape when you do it, but boy! It sure is fun!
  3. Don't hit people. Except when they're down or they're trying to steal your business but fail due to their own ego being twice the size of the actual man.
  4. Put things back where you found them. Except for your personal morality and sense of accountability.
  5. Clean up your own mess, only if you spill your alcohol on someone. Otherwise, your personal mess is for everyone to share in and get involved with!
  6. Don't take things that aren't yours, unless it's married spouses, tankards, opening weekend business, ad space, volunteers and contracted acts.
  7. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody, but only after faire has been closed for a month.
  8. Wash your hands before you eat… wait, don't wash your hands before you eat. It's not period.
  9. Flush. Wait. Nevermind.
  10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. They cause you to forget you're a rational adult and put you right back in the 7th grade. I mean, we all act like it anyways, right?
  11. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. And by "play" I mean slosh around in a vat of jell-o or mud in a bikini a size too small while a real-life cartoon takes pictures of you and posts them for creepers to see. Also, Catholic School Girl Night counts as "dance."
  12. Take a nap every afternoon. In the street. While being paid. Because you can. It sets a great tone for the faire.
  13. When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together. Unless you're trying to climb the Great Social Ladder of Renaissance Faire, in which case you're free to gouge out eyes, slander, insult, berate and lie. Popularity is the key to having fun. Being popular is fun. Fun is cool.
  14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Also, be aware that Styrofoam cups and raccoon tails and cat ears aren't period… and facial piercings, and off-the-shoulder-chemises…
  15. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we. So live it up! Get really really drunk and insult a few patrons!
  16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all – "LOOK," is all well and good, but "DICK" is the operative word.

Well, my throngs of adoring groupies, I'm glad you've enjoyed this. Feel free to reprint it for your own benefits. I would be honored, but I would also expect it. I look forward to seeing you all in less than 2 months for our glorious Opening Day at the Renaissance faire! :D


  1. BWahahahahaha so damn true ina horrifying and tragic way...sigh ahhh high school it never seems to quite go away when you work at a Ren Fair..

  2. holy crap and ow and yeah...and hahahahah...and ick...and ow...and yeah. frighteningly accurate...if a bit heartbreaking. there is good too. for instance, most of my actual dearest people (including you little missy) come out of this experience...but then *I* am pollyanna. ;) i love you!